i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
