then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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