um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
