I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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