dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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