i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
