I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
