that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
