I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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