he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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