i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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