As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
