I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
