Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
