Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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