I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.