Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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