My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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