I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
