ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
