Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
