OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
