I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize