I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
