He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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