You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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