Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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