Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
