you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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