dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dicks are not precious.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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