my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
