I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
