Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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