he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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