I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
