Just mADE A PArabola og urine
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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