Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
