What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sober January is a disaster.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
