She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
