I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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