How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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