...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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