she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
