and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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