Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
