I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
