i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
