forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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