sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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