what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Boobs are out for the taking
whose parrot is this?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
