her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
