I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
