i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
