I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
