we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
